What I've Learned From Jon & Kate Plus 8

All the recent hubbub about Jon & Kate Plus 8 got me to thinking… what do they have that I don't? Why is everyone so interested in the Gosselin's, but when I go out for an afternoon at the beach with the kids, no one cares?

First, our family is 6 kids behind, and since my girls aren't twins, I figure that total is going to have to be closer to 10.5 before people start taking notice. Unfortunately, my wife thinks that it wouldn't be fun to be pregnant over 90% of her child bearing years, but I've got it all figured out. Since the first two came into this world via c-section, I figure next time I'll just request that the doctor put a zipper in after cutting my wife open. This will allow for easy child removal access, and cut the time between pregnancies as a result of quicker recovery time. I figure we should be able to pop out 8.5 kids in about 6 years… mission accomplished.

Next, I need a signature hair style. There's nothing the world likes more than a fashion forward reality TV star. I think I can make this happen with a little inspiration from late 80's Andre Agassi. With that much style, there's no way that I wouldn't stand out in a crowd.

Now I need a bodyguard. If nothing else, this will give off the perception that I'm so awesome, people want to hurt me. They're all jealous of my hot body, hairstyle, and 10.5 kids. But then my wife will be mad that I think I'm so awesome, I actually will need a bodyguard so I don't get smacked upside the head with her 3 inch high heeled shoes.

With these three things in place, the money will start rolling in, followed by the book deals and clothing line. I'll finally be able to hire nannies for my kids so I can get back to just being awesome, without having to deal with rugrats.