May 2009

I don't like to poo in front of others, so why should my kids? For the longest time, the three year old would refuse to poop on the toilet. After she would 'try' to go, she would sneak off into some dark shadowy corner and finish her business. This happened time and time again, so eventually we quit buying pull-ups.

Then came the refusal to go at all. You can imagine what this was doing to her insides. Meals began to pile up in her belly, and my wife and I knew that if we didn't do something, we were going to be in real trouble. We wanted to avoid having to shove anything up anyone's butt if at all possible.

Unfortunately, the three year old continued to have a fear of the toilet, which lead to some major constipation… and enemas were gently inserted into her tiny hiney. That process in and of itself could span multiple posts, so I'm going to skip to the lessons learned, and save the smelly details for another day.

Being a man, by nature I feel the need to fix stuff. This is no different with my kids. This resulted in hours spent in the bathroom with the three year old. Many of her tears were shed as I attempted to be the remedy all the pooping problems. After all, the solution was so obvious. She didn't want to poop on the toilet, and I had the ability to sit her on the toilet, and wait…and wait… and wait until she pooped. But nothing happened. She still wouldn't cooperate.

What I found is that forcing the issue didn't help one bit. She just prefers to poop in private, and I don't blame her. So now I try to just leave her alone. At first this was difficult because of the tendency for her to still sneak off and poo in her britches, but after a while this approach proved to be much more effective.

As a stay at home mother, my wife makes a six figure income. At least this is what she tells me she should make. As life around the house has become more stressful, she definitely could make a strong argument for a raise, better 401(k) plan, and perks such as free ear plugs and a child sized muzzle.

The little one finally popped her first tooth through. Although this means she'll soon be able to enjoy bigger and better food, biting her sister, and the tooth fairy (eventually), the road ahead is paved with drool, screaming, and more drool. Couple this with the fact that the three year old is pushing all the right buttons and you have one stressed out mama.

So the problem is that historically, I've heard that this company which will be referred to as 'Family' has low employee retention. Some sources even claim that Family turnover is bordering on 50%! If Family doesn't keep morale high, this doesn't bode well for any of the parties involved, especially the new hires. Often they are used as pawns in a power struggle after the founders of Family decide to try and make it on their own.

What is the solution? Perhaps a retention bonus would do the trick. Maybe corporate retreats to faraway locations on the company dime (new hires not allowed… you must have been with Family for at least 5 years). Possibly a new company car would appease everyone. Or just maybe it's the little things, like a freshly painted office, a new mini fridge, and snack packs for lunch.

As President of the Family, I fully admit that our COO has not had the perks that others in her respective field do. In light of this, and the fact that COO appreciation day is fast approaching I implore you to find ways to keep the COO of your corporation happy. After all, they're irreplaceable.