September 2009
I've finally figured it out. Children speak in tweets!
For those few of you still not in the know, through the website twitter.com, you are able to broadcast messages 140 characters at a time. This is great for short bursts of information, or for giving updates on what you're currently doing.
What I didn't realize is that toddlers, and even kids of all ages have been "tweeting" for years. Just like with twitter, there is a 140 character limit imposed on the communications a child has with their parents. Take the following conversation for example:
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Do you worship the ground your children walk on? Do you present your kids with an offering of your first fruits in delicious gummy snack form, thanking them for a time of prosperity, and to appease them for the times to come?
In my short 4 years as a parent, I've learned that it is very easy to turn your child into an idol. If you think of an idol as something to which you show extreme devotion, then it might be okay to idolize your children. However, from devotion, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to full out worshipping your kids.
Why shouldn't you idolize your kids?
When you idolize your kids there are two main things that happen. First, you hand over control to your kids, and second, you lose at life.
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I get tired of disciplining Princess P. Don't get me wrong, she is a well behaved child... except at home. To alleviate both my frustration and her own, I've decided to take a page out of Survivor's book.
In the Simple Father household, there will now be daily immunity challenges. I haven't come up with a huge list of challenges yet, but the first one will be tying her shoes. If she completes the challenge, she will be given immunity from punishment for the remainder of the day.
Right now this sounds slanted in her favor because if she fails, it's just business as usual. However, that's where exile island comes into play. If she fails to complete the challenge, she'll be sent packing. Princess P will have to spend the remainder of the day in her room without any toys or books.
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There are times in my life as a dad that I just want to relax. I want to catch up on all the latest sporting news, contemplate the deep meaningful things in my life (like where does toe-jam come from), and let my mind drift away.
However, I don't want to neglect my kids, because then I'd be a terrible parent. My children would wind up in therapy 20 years down the road talking about how daddy never loved them, and I can't live with that on my conscience.
Luckily, I've stumbled upon 5 simple parenting hacks (or quick, inelegant solutions) especially for dads.
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It has been a whirlwind last couple of weeks. In that time, the little one has become not so little, and the three year old is no longer three.
Since both kids are now a year older, I figure I better give them some more permanent names to use on this blog. So, from this point forward, I will refer to my kids as Princess P (formerly the three year old), and Special K (formerly the little one). If my last post is any indication, many adventures and hijinks's that await this duo of doom.
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This story happened in the not too distant past, in quadrant four of the rectosigmoid region near the planet Uranus. In this mystical place there lived an evil genius, and his name was Dr. Megacolon. Dr. Megacolon sought not only to cause pain to all those in the rectosigmoid region, but to destroy the surrounding regions as well.
The evidence of his campaign of destruction was everywhere. Those who inhabited the region were in constant pain, and it showed on their distended little bellies. With each hardened Bowelistic Missle that Dr. Megacolon fired, his power and controlling fear grew stronger.
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Has there been a time in your life when you weren't worthless? Even if you answered yes, you probably still suck as a parent, and here's why. First off, most of you are humans, and by very nature, we humans hoover it up pretty badly. Also, having a kid is a big life change, and people resist change, therefore people suck.
Humans Suck
You can tell me that people are generally good, and have an innate propensity to do good, however, I'm not buying it. People, if given the option, will choose the most selfish option, which often takes them down the path of least resistance. That's not to say that there aren't ways of dealing with this evil side of human nature, but underneath it all, the suckiness is still there.
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After certain events, your kids develop a way of thinking that is different than what you're trying to impart upon them. Perhaps they have been away at summer camp and have come back ready to challenge your authority. Or maybe they've been exposed to the neighborhood cult and drank some of the Kool-Aid. Whatever the case may be, you have to deprogram the child, and return him or her to their previous state.
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As a parent it is inevitable that there will be times that you either don't like your kids, or parenting in general is a royal pain. If you never feel this way, you're lying to yourself. There are times when kids will wipe their boogers on you, throw tantrums, and launch dinner entrees across the room. This leads me to my first question...
What is your biggest frustration about being a parent?
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Every parent wants their kids to have a 'better life' than they had. But what does this look like in real life? Parents can say things like 'I hope my kids grow up to be happy and healthy,' but both happiness and healthiness leave a lot of room for interpretation.
A wise man once told me that when you have goals, if they aren't measurable, they are worthless. So why should the goals and aspirations parents have for their kids be any different?
When I'm old and grey, I hope to be able to look back upon my life and see that my kids have turned out better than I have. To help me during my time of reflection, I've created a list easily answerable questions.
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