Christmas is a Reminder of How Much I Suck

Submitted by scott

Well... it's that time of year again, and I should probably write about Christmas, the Holidays, and family. But the fact of the matter is that I'm just not in the mood. You may call me a Scrooge, and to that I say bah humbug. You don't know what it's like being me!

I work all day at a desk while my hands slowly turn into gnarled, arthritic, useless appendages. Meanwhile, my waistline is morphing from chiseled stone to mashed potatoes.

On average, my commute takes an hour and a half, during which I may be coughed on by sickos and accused of being in the KKK, or waiting patiently for the bus to come in -10 degree weather.

I get home and I just want to lay on the floor and relax for a few minutes,... but noooo... the kiddos immediately pounce, crushing my testicles with their flying knees, and damaging my trachea with a misplaced head-butt. By the time the assault is over I get what I want, except that now I'm laying on the floor bloodied and bruised.

After the kids go to bed my wife and I get a chance to talk. But what she doesn't realize is that I've used up my quota of words for the day. My tank is empty, my speech seems to regress, and I start making noises. I try to speak, but the words won't come out!

Finally, she realizes I'm a hopeless case and logs into Facebook in search of a better conversationalist. About this time I start writing blog posts such as this, in hopes that someone out there will find something I say to be useful, but I doubt that happens.

What can I say but bah humbug!! You can take your Christmas cheer somewhere else!


On the other hand, in times like these I'm glad that I have a job... period. As far as my commute is concerned, since I ride public transportation and no longer drive, I can take naps on the way to and from work, and it's glorious.

What I didn't mention is that when my kids pounce, it's usually provoked. I'm either chasing them around the house, tickling them till they pee, or hanging them upside-down. So when I take a minute to catch my breath, they seize the opportunity and make the most of it. During those moments I couldn't be happier.

My wife still talks to me... period. To be honest I'm surprised she tolerates my antics. I think her prayer is that I one day behave in public like I do at home so everyone will finally see what a lunatic I am. I'm grateful that after 5 years she still attempts to have an adult conversation with me.

Appreciate the things in your life, and have a very Merry Christmas.

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