Programmer Parenting - Go Cut Me A Switch

Submitted by scott
punch card

The world of computer programming can teach us many things on how to raise children. This may come as a surprise to many; after all, children don't understand the difference between bits and bytes. Even if you issue the child a simple command like "GOTO ROOM" the child will often resist, and catastrophic parenting failure occurs.

That's where the switch statement comes in. In the context of disciplining a child, perhaps a more appropriate name is the "go cut me a switch" statement. Below I have written a sample piece of code, followed by an explanation.

switch (child's_behavior)

case "does what they're told":
	action = "reward with a cookie";

case "talks back":
	action = "Send to naughty chair";
	time   = child's_age;

case "punches sister":
	action = "Send to naughty chair" + "apologize to sister";
	time = child's_age;

case "screaming in public for no apparent reason":
	action = "Take to restroom and beat child, because nosey shoppers may call cops";
	time = as_quickly_as_possible;

case "slaps mommy":
	action = "Bring the pain":
	time = repeatedly;

	action = "Put in movie to dull child's senses so they are apathetic and eat 
       Cheeto's all day";


The above demonstrates that based on a child's behavior, the response changes, or switches. In the case where the child "does what they're told," they are rewarded with a cookie. In the case where the child talks back, they are sent to the naughty chair… and so on and so forth.

There is one thing that absolutely must not be overlooked when using the "go cut me a switch" statement… the "break." The break is crucial, because without it, you would simply continue to the next line. For example, when ignoring all breaks, if the child "does what they're told" and is rewarded with a cookie, the parent then proceeds to send them to the naughty chair, make them apologize, takes them into a restroom and beats them, and then brings the pain. But at least they put in a movie!

If you have any questions about this foolproof method, please leave a comment. Also, keep in mind some of the above situations are fictional.... I would never reward my kids with a cookie!

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